That Moment

This is the moment you have been waiting for. You have prepared hours for this very moment over and over in your head a thousand times. It has nearly always been perfect, every different version of it. Now is the time to say what you really feel, and all the buildup was seemingly worth it. And….the moment passes you by, while you stand there, either staring awkwardly into the distance or blurting out a string of incoherent disconnected words.

Damn it!! How many times has it happened to you? I don’t know about you but this happens to me all the time. Why is it that I am unable to express myself completely when it is actually required? What is that one thing stopping me from speaking my mind? Why do I end up not saying anything at all? Why do I obsess about it so much, both before and after it happened? What the hell is wrong with me…overkill…over think every damn situation.

Come to think of it, no wonder I am so bad at goodbyes. You have to say something appropriate and for the world of me, I can’t think of what to say. Sometimes, you don’t even have to say more than a few words, a kiss or even a hug would do the trick. But no, there I am, standing with my arms awkwardly at my sides, looking covertly at the people around me, gauging their reactions and trying to maintain my outward ‘composure’. Who the hell are these strange people, and why on earth do I care about them? You got me. And I let the most important people in my life slip away into the distance.

There has got to be a way to remedy this.  Is it the fear of speaking in public? Is it a lack of confidence or self-belief in my abilities? Or am I really a cold, stone-hearted human being? What is it that prevents me from being myself? Does writing about it make it any easier?

I have got to stop thinking so much