Lost

I am not trying to pose the quintessential question of finding out my true identity nor am I trying find out my true purpose in life. I am just trying to bring some semblance of sense to the ever changing humdrum of activities going on around me. Even though I am changing involuntarily with what is going on, I am at a failure to understand what it is, that makes me tick.

A one-liner from Will Smith's movie, "The Hitch" comes to mind,

"You is a very fluid concept right now."

Though in this case, the context is nowhere near as funny as it was in the movie.  Yes, the “You” is in a very malleable state right now. The future is an indistinct blur, and the present only a pale shadow at high noon. It seems that somewhere along the way, I lost track of what I did and kept on doing something I shouldn’t have done. Or maybe, I am so frustrated with the present that I am trying to find out that single chain of thought that lead to this day.

No matter from which angle I try to approach this problem, the solution seems to be, inevitably, The Present. It seems that the chaos around me has thrown open an unknown gateway in my mind which I refuse to accept or believe. I am trying to be a better person, the bigger person, but something keeps getting in the way. Am I too arrogant to believe that I have changed or has the change itself led to this arrogance?

Shahrukh Khan’s recent speech at Yale certainly seems to have left a mark on me. He may have taken a few bad decisions in his career (Buying KKR and Ra-One spring to mind immediately) but he is eloquent in his own way. He mentioned that his life is like that of a funambulist…a tight rope walker doing a balancing act between what he loves doing and what the audience love him for doing. That does seem to ring a faint bell, but unfortunately, I am still undecided as to what are the two ends that I am supposed to be balancing.

Hyperventilating..that is what I seem to be doing right now. Enough said..Lost is what I am.